Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
