1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
