I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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