I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dicks are not precious.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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