i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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