mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
