i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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