Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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