i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
