I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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