A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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