SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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