When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Life is so much better after having sex.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
