two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
