As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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