Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
