Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
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He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
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Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.