We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea