I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?