Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
