Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
