I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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