when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
