don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
