So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
