I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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