He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
