god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
