I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
