I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Also, beer. Big fan.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
