Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
