I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i was born a porn star she said
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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