is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
