it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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