Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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