I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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