Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
