alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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