Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
