every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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