I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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