Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
