CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
