dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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