Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
