I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
