Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
