I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
