you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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