I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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