Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
