i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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