I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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