I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
