This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
