Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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