I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
